How to Write an Introduction: Refining

Now it’s time to refine the draft of the introduction.

The major refinement we are going to make to the introduction is to develop the disagreement by spending more time on the opposing argument. Tweaking the introduction will help build credibility and a connection with a reader and, if done correctly, will also pique the reader's interest.

For instance, we can add a specific case of someone who thinks that students don’t need healthier choices.

We could also add a quote from a student, such as “I don’t want to be forced into thinking about carrot sticks if all I want is a chocolate bar.”

Or maybe we can just add an explanation of the disagreement: “These people are not trying to force students to eat junk food. They want to stay out of the decision making. They don’t want to hover. They say that students know where healthier options are already, and they need to be allowed to make choices even when their choices are not the ones we might want them to make.”

Your position seems fair-minded and impartial when you include the opposing side’s position. It shows that you’ve considered it before concluding that your position makes more sense. Expand the part of your introduction that precedes the “however” statement to strengthen the credibility of your essay, increase your connection with the readers, and jump-start curiosity about your defense of the thesis.

What if an assignment is based on someone else’s statement—a quote or a longer text?

If you were writing about Woodrow Wilson’s dog theory, you would follow the same steps:

1. Remind yourself of the thesis: “We should take seriously Woodrow Wilson’s statement that we can trust a dog’s reaction to our personalities.”
2. Think of disagreements: "Dogs are really not that smart. They can be influenced by all sorts of irrelevant things like smells on clothing, offers of food, and people’s past histories with unfriendly dogs."
3. Write a “Many people think” statement: “Many people think that Woodrow Wilson was off the mark when he said, ‘If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.’ They say that dogs are really not that smart and that they can be influenced by all sorts of irrelevant things such as odors on clothing, offers of food, and people’s past histories with unfriendly dogs.”
4. Write a “however” statement: ”However, just because Wilson’s statement might not be infallible, it does not mean that it doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously. Dogs do sense something in humans that humans often can’t sense in each other.“
5. Add your thesis: “We should take seriously what Wilson says about dogs.”

This gives us a good introduction for the first draft, though a great deal of revision is still possible. For one thing, you probably want to revise the “Many people think” to sound a bit more eloquent. Consider this change and others later on during your revision process. This lesson will help you build a frame for your thesis and your introduction similar to building a frame for a house. The painters, landscapers, and interior decorators will still have plenty of work to do.