Thrill Me!
Source: “Reduce, reuse, recycle.” Sarah, Flickr
Once you have written your essay (the introduction and conclusion plus the body of the essay), you need to check it for sentence variety. The best way to do this is to read it out loud. This means really reading it out loud so that you can hear it and feel it in your ears and throat. It’s easiest to do this with another human being listening to you. An animal will also do (especially if it's a border collie). In a pinch, you can use a chair.
The crucial thing is that you actually make noise as well as make sense. (You can, of course, read “aloud” silently. You can read about this in the “Caution” paragraph at the end of this section. Actually reading out loud is better, though.) By reading what you have written out loud several times (at least twice), you will be able to sense when there are sentences that make a boring series of same sounding statements.
Sentences that have a boring “same-sound” are usually either sentences that are the same length over and over or sentences that start the same way over and over. If several sentences in a row start with the same or similar words, consider altering these sentences so that the beginnings are different. If several sentences are short, combine a few sentences so that some are longer. Read the following two sentences:
Border collies are the most intelligent breed of dog according to most dog experts.
Border collies can learn easily and remember accurately.
How can we alter these sentences so that they don’t start with exactly the same words? We can start the first sentence with “According to most dog experts” and use a pronoun to begin the second sentence. The two sentences will read more easily and not sound so choppy.
According to most dog experts, border collies are the most intelligent breed of dog. They can learn easily and remember accurately.
Read the unrevised version and the revised version of these two sentences out loud. Do you agree that the second version sounds better? If you agree, you have a well-developed “ear and mouth” sense of good writing.
Try changing sentence beginnings in the short passage below. Write your revisions using your notes. When you’re finished, check your understanding to compare your response to the suggested revisions. There are usually several good ways to make such revisions. If your revision is different from the one suggested but passes your “ear and mouth” test, it’s probably a good way to improve the passage. The “ear and mouth” test is often the best guide to making revision choices. - My dog is not as smart as a border collie. My dog makes me embarrassed when I take her for a walk. My dog pulls on the leash. My dog won’t sit when I tell her.
- Cats are smart in their own way. Cats do what they want. Cats get what they want. Cats lead a good life by doing what they want and not worrying about what their owners want.
Sample Response:
My dog is not as smart as a border collie. When I take her for a walk, she makes me embarrassed. She pulls on the leash and won’t sit when I tell her.
Sample Response:
Cats are smart in their own way. They do what they want and get what they want. By doing what they want and not worrying about what their owners want, they lead a good life.
Now try altering the length of sentences. Look at these three sentences:
The dog named Chaser is super smart. Chaser is smarter than most border collies. His trainer is really proud of him.
Let’s combine two of these sentences using the subordinating conjunction “because.”
The dog named Chaser is super smart. Because he is smarter than most border collies, Chaser’s trainer is really proud of him.
Other subordinating conjunctions that you can use include “if,” “when,” and “although.” Try this technique out on the short passages below. Write your revisions using your notes. When you’re finished, check your understanding to compare your response to the suggested revisions. There are usually several good ways to make such revisions. Again, if your revision is different from the suggested answer but passes your “ear and mouth” test, it’s probably a good way to improve the passage. - Cats are very smart. They don’t learn tricks very easily.
- My cat curls up in my lap and purrs. I think he is the best pet in the world.
Sample Response:
Although cats are very smart, they don’t learn tricks very easily.
Sample Response:
When my cat curls up in my lap and purrs, I think he is the best pet in the world.
Caution: Don’t do anything without checking your work by reading it aloud. Rely on your ears and your mouth to guide you whenever possible. Use the warning signs of similar beginnings and similar lengths. Read your sentences out loud before you make changes. When you make a revision, read that out loud as well to be sure that the changes are improvements.